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Living, Learning, Loving, & Praying

Letting Go of This Anxiety Together…

IMG_0385Even though, I am only eighteen, I felt that I have carried so many things. I felt that the things I have met in life long before this one are still with me. My soul feels so old and I just have been struggling with worrying a lot lately. I have a lot of uneeded and unwanted baggage. I worry about everything and that is not the way to live. To exist. That is not the way to find peace and be happy.

Last Sunday, I watched my grandmother’s preacher. I listened to his words. I always have loved the way that he preached. The way he delivers God voice through his sermons always speak to me.

He touched on being worried and lately it feels as if that is all I am doing. Since the age of four, I have always struggled with anxiety, overthinking, and worrying. He said that worrying takes off days of life, that it does you no good to wait and worry for things to disrupt the place that God has placed you. When in times of worry, distress, and being anxious, pray and master your faith so you can beat out your worry. Talk to God and rely on Him to fulfill and deliver you a peaceful mind. God uses times of trial as a test for our faith, to show that we would come to Him first before we began to let the thoughts of worry creep into our minds and eat at us from the inside out.

Yes, I know all of this. I am a work in progress… still. I have to apply it to my life. Pray more than I even think. Talk to God even more. Realize my blessings on the days it feels that I cannot touch them. And to focus more on my future and what lies ahead.

I am writing this to show you that I do not have it all together yet, I am the piece of a beautiful, but unfinished puzzle. I am still walking my journey, climbing mountains that I never was intended to carry, learning to let go of things that I needed to learn from, but not keep, and to realize that God delivered me from things I only caused myself harm. Pain is growth, but constantly worrying and leaving in fear is a mere hindrance.

You and me, whoever feels that they can relate to my story and journey, we can grow together. Let go of the toxicity and the things that weigh us down. We have to trust the Lord, after all what is He there for? Not to be ignored, neglected, and not relied on. He is there to uplift us, place our worries at bay, gives us peace in our chaotic mind.

We have someone who works for the good of our wellbeing without us realizing it. We are always under our Father’s protection, His love, His plan.

“Every problem can teach you something, transforming you little by little into masterpiece that I created you to be.” – Sarah Young

Start trusting Him. Start trusting your strength. Start understanding that what once was is no longer what is right now. It is over, it is gone. The present and your future is what matters now.

“I will not necessarily remove your problems, but My wisdom is sufficient enough to bring good out of every one of them.” – Sarah Young

Start doing better. For you. I will too. There are benefits from your difficulties.

Xoxo

Queen Kort

To Be Confident and To Look Forward…How About You?

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It is rainy outside today and I felt that this would the be the perfect time to write, to spill all my feelings out, and to think. I love the mornings, especially when I can just think and pray. I saw one of my favorite inspirational Christian women yesterday and I heard that she was doing a challenge that I wanted to partake in.

It was to choose to live this year by a phrase to help better myself. She chose to be bold and to walk in love. I choose to be confident in everything that I do, in myself, in my faith, in relationships, and in life. I want to be confident within my health, by working out, eating better, and drinking plenty of water. I plan to indulge myself deeper into writing, bettering myself as a self taught MUA, and become a pharmacy technician. As for relationships, I plan to be confident by loving and fully enjoying the relationships that God has blessed me with in this moment and not worrying if I will be hurt or wronged. I will love these people wholeheartedly and give to them fully.

Secondly, I choose to keep moving forward and making my future exactly what I want it to be and continue making peace with my past. My future will be the dreams that I want to be my reality. I will never stop working hard and achieving the goals that I have for myself. I will be all that I know God has given me the potential to be. It is all up to myself. I have to believe in myself, let go of the parts that my self has left behind – the pain, the people, the dark times that I had to endure. I have to stop carrying those parts with me because they are no longer apart of me. They are no longer me. I will let go, dream big, and achieve.

What will you begin to live by?

Xoxo

Queen Kort

Moving On Is Good…

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How often do we think we need closure to move on? So many people believe that apologies, goodbyes, and knowing the reasons of an ending are the only ways to moving on and letting go. But, that is untrue.

Seasons in life end everyday, relationships that we thought would last forever end, we outgrow situations, or the same surrounding that we once felt comfortable seems to have become foreign overnight.

“The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14

I use to be lost when things in my life ended. I did not understand the point in “moving on” when I figured I had everything that I wanted and gave me temporary happiness. At times, I really believe that God allows us or encourages us to move on because we are hindering ourselves to reach our full potential. As my heart was broken, as I lost a lot of people that I “needed”, and as I did not know myself or my strength, I had to trust God. I had to take a step out on faith and walk as God guided me.

Now, in this very moment, I still do struggle with the loss of some things. But, after I have healed and made peace with the removal of things that I once wanted, my eyes opened to what I did not see when those things were in my life. I realized how toxic, draining, and bad that those things were.

I truly believe that whatever is sent by God will always benefit you and not bring you any harm. You will always feel at peace and come back better as you are around a person sent by God, a job that God has blessed you with, or a surrounding that God has lead you to.

I feel moving on grows more into my relationship and love with God now. I love Him unconditionally and wholeheartedly. I love that He has brought me so much peace and made me so much hopeful about my future. I know the seasons of doubt will past because God knows what is best for me. I trust that He is in control and that makes me so happy, so thankful, and I feel so blessed. I am not afraid to embrace new opportunity.

Because lately, life has been so much fun. So exuberant. I can smell the scent in the night air. I can feel the moon as she stares back at me brightly. I can feel my soul genuinely laughing and smiling because where I am now is where I was meant to be.

Always follow God, trust His plan, pay attention to what He removes from your life, never stop growing, and always love yourself.

xoxo

Queen Kort

A Prayer to All Those I Love, Have Loved, Will Love…

Dear Lord,

This is a prayer for my loved ones. A prayer for whom my heart yearns for. A prayer for those that I love wholeheartedly and only want to see happy. I pray that they truly find and know You. I pray for their peace of mind and their healing hearts. All I want them to do is heal. All I want them to is seek You. I pray if they are neglected, abandoned, and let down by someone they have tried to love in the best possible way. I pray that You will lead them back to you if they have lost their way. I pray You remind them of their love, that through You, strength will be supplied, that You will fill the emptiness within the deepest parts of themselves. You are with them when I am not, so I pray that You remind them that they are nothing short of beautiful. I pray that they truly surrender themselves to You to know and understand that a relationship with You will allow them to know their worth, see their value, love their beauty. I pray that they never feel insecure, not “good enough”, not worthy of love because they looked for love in someone who was not capable of loving them. Or probably never meant to. I pray for their pain. I pray for their struggle. I pray for their present. I pray that they come to You, understand You, and believe in You. After all, You are an all knowing God. You know what is best for us, but we are also in control of the decisions that we make. So, I pray that the people that I love and the people that I have loved will do better by them and for them. I hope they choose change and be the change they want to see because if they do, they will not allow the disheartening, the toxic situations, they will not be toxic themselves, and they will really accept You.

I hope they choose You as You never stop choosing them. As your never stopped choosing me.

Amen

This Thing Called Self-Love…

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The love of self is really important. It has amazed me how relevant self love has become throughout the world since I throughly paid attention to it. I had never realized how loving yourself shapes your life, it shapes the way that you view things, how you allow others to treat you, how you value yourself, etc.

Honestly, I still am learning myself. I am still learning how to deal with things, how to remove myself from situations that I just cannot relate to anymore, how to grow in confidence with myself, how to love what God has created, how to appreciate myself, appreciate my strength, and how to be my own best friend.

Prayer is key. Talking to God is key. Being one with God. Going to God at all times, good or bad, understanding that whatever place I find myself, low or high – it is because of God and His plan. As I grow closer to Him each day, I grow more closer to myself. I fall in love with my solitude because through the isolation of self, I can talk and feel the presence of my Lord.

Song of Solomon 4:7 – “You are altogether beautiful, my love. There is no flaw in you.”

The younger me use to be very insecure. Extremely. I thought certain girls who I felt were beautiful because of things that they had and I thought for me to be pretty, I should have them too. It was until now that I have realized that God makes no mistakes. He knew what He was doing when He created me, down to the length of my toes. I have flaws, I have imperfections, what human does not?

But, true beauty comes within your soul and when you are living authentically and genuinely, your beauty will show on the outside. A pure heart and a good mind shows past an appearance.

I wish younger me could see that I am much stronger than I use to be. I have moved on from not wanting to change what God blessed me with to embracing it.

Putting God first meant I put myself first. I love Him. I love me. Even on the bad days, I know the sun will strike through. Isn’t that beautiful? Because I know my God will never leave me or place me in a situation to hurt me. To discourage me. To fail me. He only will teach, guide, and bless me. Isn’t that so pure? So kind? So sweet? Does that not make you feel good? That when you are down on life to know that you have a God that created you the way you are purposely? Bone by bone, piece by piece, from head to toe.

You are worthy. I am worthy. You are beautiful. I am beautiful. And you deserve to be your own best-friend, your own soul mate, you deserve to never give up on yourself. God has never given up on you. And He never will.

When I did not love myself, I would allow myself to be treated any kind of way. I would allow myself to be disrespected, be in toxic environments, become someone I was not by engaging in things that I knew meant me harm, by believing I needed people to validate my worth and that I needed to live because my world would have “stopped”. I let my life be controlled by the hands of another, but I never thought, “What if they decide to leave?” And of course, they left and they took me with them because I would pour myself empty trying to please them.

Never again. I should have been pouring myself empty by pleasing God because He would have fulfilled me in return.

No one that I ever loved will take me away with them. My hurt will not be torn into pieces that I have to place back together, piece by piece. I love to love. That is just me. No matter how much my love has been taken for granted, God still allows me to love like I have never been hurt. Maybe that is what is meant for me to do. To love those who have loved so many lost souls that it ends up leaving them lost or abandoned too. I admire my heart, my resilience to never stop being my best, and the ability to never stop seeing the kindness in people no matter how much I have been wronged.

Forgiveness and peace of mind is key, which will be what I discuss in the future.

 

How I Did Not Let Depression Win…

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“You have a beautiful story to tell and you will be an inspiration to someone and many people”. -Unknown

Those words above meant the world to me. They sung so many beautiful melodies to me. It is so nice when someone believes me in, sees me, and encourages me.

My story is something I would keep silence about. I would never tell or share the saddest parts of me because I was ashamed. I thought feeling pain made me weak. I thought allowing myself to feel the way I did was wrong to myself. I felt I had no one to turn to, I felt that no one understood my pain. The constant sadness that I lived with every single day. And no matter how much I tried to shake it, that demon would never leave my life. That demon was depression.

My goodness, being depressed is a strain. It is a constant struggle that I have to live with. I had to learn to cope with it, how to beat it, and how to fight through the days that it decided to stay with me. I would sleep endlessly, cry daily, be angry, hurt others, and my appetite was gone. It felt like I had a house on my back. Going throughout the day was a war I just could not win. I had to force myself to smile, to act like I was okay, to muster up the energy to convince myself that my pain was not real. But, depression is real.

I went through many things to attempt to get better and to figure out how I could make such an immense sadness go away. I went to two psychiatrists and I hated the experience. I felt that they never understood what it was that made me feel the way that I did. They never paid attention like I would see on TV. My name was forgotten, I was assumed to be sheltered, and the things that I felt were big to me were small to them.

After several long hours and appointments of not being heard, I felt so frustrated because I was still in square one. And the anti-depressants that I took did not help me either. I still felt the same pain in my heart and soul as I did before.

So I wondered, why had these people been placed in the world to help, but they seemed incredibly close minded and not understanding. I just wanted to be heard. I just wanted to be helped.

Months went by. I felt stuck in a daze mostly because my life still remained to fall in shambles. Relationships ended, betrayal happened, disappointment lived in my heart, I felt like a failure, I felt that this life was not meant for me because it was so dark, so lonely, so cold.

I wondered, “How could God love me if He’s allowing me to hurt so badly?

Start from the beginning and notice that I did everything I could to get better, but surrender myself to God. I did not choose Him first as He chose me. You see, I may have lost people that I loved, but I gained room to accept people who wanted to love me back. I may have felt like a failure because I grieved from betrayal, but I gained myself in return. I may have lost all that was not meant for me, but I found my way back to a Lord who always  had loved me unconditionally and effortlessly. I never had to beg Him for anything, for love, for forgiveness, for peace.

Right in front of me, He had fulfilled my every need, He supplied my strength, He walked for me when I could not carry on, He loved me when I did not love myself.

“He heals the heartbroken and bandages their wounds.” Psalms 147:3

He healed me, He saved me, He picked up me when I would not keep going. I asked Him so many times to take me, to allow me to live with Him, to please give me a life filled with peace. And if that meant dying, then so be it.

But, He would not. Because I had to fulfill my purpose. I was here to do something with my life. To make someone’s world a little less scary or to help someone heal because I know what it feels like to have no one.

I am a living testimony that God is real. He is love, no matter how bad the circumstances are. No matter how bad today or your past may have been. You have to breathe, you have to believe, you have to understand that you are a warrior. You are strong. You will survive. God loves you, but you have to seek Him. You have to believe in Him, even when the days are blue and the nights are cold. Even when you are alone in a crowd.

You are the child of a King. An all loving, all forgiving, the sweetest, and the most beautiful God.

Xoxo

Queen Kort

Prayer of the Day…

Dear Lord,

I have been having a troubling time lately. My past keeps trying to relive itself in my mind, keep trying to replay, the Devil keeps trying to pull me back into something that is over. He keeps trying to make feel the emotions of frustration, doubt, and hurt. I cannot let him win. He tries to make me think that all the progress that I have made means so little and that the abundance of blessings that you have handed me seem to be so far that I cannot reach them. But, I remember them. I hold onto them. I believe in them. I believe in You. I know You will always have my back, never forsake me, never leave me, and You will always save me. Love me. Teach me. Guide me. My past has came and went. Those days of hurt have came and went. Now, my days of joy, happiness, and positive opportunity are here and I need to live within them before they become apart of my past too. I am looking to You, I am praying to You, I am coming to You because I know my worries will turn into miracles within the hands of You.

Amen

Xoxo

Queen Kort

How to Conquer Valentine’s Day…

img_9954Valentine’s Day is approaching and I know many people are worried, feeling a sense of loneliness, dreading the holiday, or super excited because they can share the love that they feel for someone.

Some singles dread Valentine’s Day because typically, they think they are suppose to spend it with a significant other by their side. They see their friends enjoying date night, receiving gifts, reading cards, or posting pictures. However, it is okay.

Can we not be our own significant other?

Why is Valentine’s Day not a holiday that voices that loving and celebrating ourselves is valuable to the holiday as well? What is the harm in celebrating that we enjoy, love, and adore ourselves?

That is how we set the standard of being treated by others – in friendships, relationships, or acquaintances.

It is okay to be alone on this holiday. It is okay to enjoy your own solitude, getting to know yourself, becoming your own best friend. Because I tell you, when you love yourself and know who you are from head to toe, once the person sent to you by God comes into your life, it will work and flow effortlessly.

Remember, what is meant for you will always be for you. Focus on yourself more and stop worrying about what you do not have now.

As for those in relationships, whether you are a female or male, you matter just as much too. I am more bias to women because I am a young woman. But, personally I believe that we were all taught to believe that Valentine’s Day was solely to celebrate that one person that we love. It is a day to celebrate who you appreciate most. A day to show gratitude of that one person who is the sun in your life.

But, you are the sun in your own life. You should appreciate yourself. You should be grateful that you are able to love as beautifully and strongly as you have. You are the reason for your own happiness. A person is suppose to be an addition to your happiness and a reason. Not THE reason that you are happy. Use a small part of Valentine’s Day to show yourself a little love too. After all, you are deserving of it.

As you love yourself though, I hope you are spending this holiday with a person who makes you feel like you are living in the clouds, that you are singing with the moon every time you feel their presence, and that you are feeling the warmth of the sun within the depths of your soul. I pray that you are receiving the love and appreciation that you deserve. I pray every time that you look at them, you find a million new reasons as to why you feel for them. I pray that you honestly and truly believe that God sent them to you because of how they love you, how they respect you, how they enjoy you, and do not mistreat you.

I pray that you are surrounded by people who love you for you. I not only pray that they see the beauty in you, but that you see it in yourself first.

I hope they empower you, uplift you, and are music to you.

Happy Valentine’s Day and Happy Self-Love Day.

Xoxo

Queen Kort

Letting Go of The Past…

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Past: Gone by in time and no longer exist.

Everyone’s past is different. Everyone’s past is what makes them who they are. It builds them or breaks them. Honestly, I use to struggle with making peace or accepting the things that God had removed me from. I never paid attention to the signs that He constantly showed me, not until I was in too deep. Deep with my emotions and deep with attachment.

And I must admit, dealing with several things and people that were not meant for me, changed me. I had become toxic. I was toxic to so many people and myself.  My attitude was terrible. I was angry. I was depressed. I was negative. I cried all of the time. I gossiped so much, because I wanted to view people in such a negative light because I viewed myself terribly. Felt extremely lonely. And I had remained that way until last summer. I never looked in mirror and reflected upon myself, I had always blamed my hurt onto others when in reality, I had played a major role in my pain.

I let people hurt me and mistreat me because I did not value myself. I did not love myself the way I should have. I did not see what God saw in me when He created me. So eventually, when I was isolated and had no choice but to make my way back to God, I really did a deep soul search within myself.

“Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is! I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands.” Isaiah 43:18-19

I was only leading up to my elevation. God knew I had hurt long enough, He knew I wanted to make myself better, He knew that I was ready for what He had planned for me when I no longer fought to keep the things that did not want to keep me. But, I must say, somedays I do not know how I overcame all that I have. I do not know how I survived and how I lived. But, ending my life was not in God’s plans for me. I have seen the darkest days in my life, at only such a young age, so when the sun had finally decided to strike through and stay… my life began to flourish.

“This is what God says, the God who builds a road right through the ocean, who carves a path through pounding waves.” Isaiah 43:16

We belong to a God who makes a way out of no way. A God who loves us and will always love us unconditionally, wholeheartedly, and forever. I never thought my life could be as beautiful as it is now. If you could of asked me my view on life three years ago or last year, my response would have been bitter and angry. But, if I am asked now, I am grateful for feeling what I did because it built me to who I am now.

If it was not for the struggle, I would not have the strength. God is always building you, even when it seems like He’s breaking you.

Every step that you take, every decision that you make, it creates your path and builds your life. Sometimes, I just wish that I had not stayed in some situations as long as I did. I wish that I did not allow others to treat me the way they did. I wish I valued you myself way more than I did. But, I learned and I have grown. And now I live differently, I move differently, and I see things differently.

God protects me. He loves me. He wants me to fulfill the potential that I am destined to be. He knows that I am beautiful, I am strong, I am a warrior, no matter what I went through. No matter who turned that back on me. No matter who still has the same poor impression of me. No matter who I have hurt and wronged. He loves me and still remains by my side despite it all.

So, it is okay making mistakes. It is natural to wrong people without intentions to doing so. But, please, do not be that person who hurts people because you have been hurt. Be the person who still loves and loves strongly even when you have been hurt. Spread love. Spread forgiveness. Apologize. And continue to move forward.

Make gold out of your pain.

Xoxo

Queen Kort

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