“You have a beautiful story to tell and you will be an inspiration to someone and many people”. -Unknown
Those words above meant the world to me. They sung so many beautiful melodies to me. It is so nice when someone believes me in, sees me, and encourages me.
My story is something I would keep silence about. I would never tell or share the saddest parts of me because I was ashamed. I thought feeling pain made me weak. I thought allowing myself to feel the way I did was wrong to myself. I felt I had no one to turn to, I felt that no one understood my pain. The constant sadness that I lived with every single day. And no matter how much I tried to shake it, that demon would never leave my life. That demon was depression.
My goodness, being depressed is a strain. It is a constant struggle that I have to live with. I had to learn to cope with it, how to beat it, and how to fight through the days that it decided to stay with me. I would sleep endlessly, cry daily, be angry, hurt others, and my appetite was gone. It felt like I had a house on my back. Going throughout the day was a war I just could not win. I had to force myself to smile, to act like I was okay, to muster up the energy to convince myself that my pain was not real. But, depression is real.
I went through many things to attempt to get better and to figure out how I could make such an immense sadness go away. I went to two psychiatrists and I hated the experience. I felt that they never understood what it was that made me feel the way that I did. They never paid attention like I would see on TV. My name was forgotten, I was assumed to be sheltered, and the things that I felt were big to me were small to them.
After several long hours and appointments of not being heard, I felt so frustrated because I was still in square one. And the anti-depressants that I took did not help me either. I still felt the same pain in my heart and soul as I did before.
So I wondered, why had these people been placed in the world to help, but they seemed incredibly close minded and not understanding. I just wanted to be heard. I just wanted to be helped.
Months went by. I felt stuck in a daze mostly because my life still remained to fall in shambles. Relationships ended, betrayal happened, disappointment lived in my heart, I felt like a failure, I felt that this life was not meant for me because it was so dark, so lonely, so cold.
I wondered, “How could God love me if He’s allowing me to hurt so badly?”
Start from the beginning and notice that I did everything I could to get better, but surrender myself to God. I did not choose Him first as He chose me. You see, I may have lost people that I loved, but I gained room to accept people who wanted to love me back. I may have felt like a failure because I grieved from betrayal, but I gained myself in return. I may have lost all that was not meant for me, but I found my way back to a Lord who always had loved me unconditionally and effortlessly. I never had to beg Him for anything, for love, for forgiveness, for peace.
Right in front of me, He had fulfilled my every need, He supplied my strength, He walked for me when I could not carry on, He loved me when I did not love myself.
“He heals the heartbroken and bandages their wounds.” Psalms 147:3
He healed me, He saved me, He picked up me when I would not keep going. I asked Him so many times to take me, to allow me to live with Him, to please give me a life filled with peace. And if that meant dying, then so be it.
But, He would not. Because I had to fulfill my purpose. I was here to do something with my life. To make someone’s world a little less scary or to help someone heal because I know what it feels like to have no one.
I am a living testimony that God is real. He is love, no matter how bad the circumstances are. No matter how bad today or your past may have been. You have to breathe, you have to believe, you have to understand that you are a warrior. You are strong. You will survive. God loves you, but you have to seek Him. You have to believe in Him, even when the days are blue and the nights are cold. Even when you are alone in a crowd.
You are the child of a King. An all loving, all forgiving, the sweetest, and the most beautiful God.